So... I've been neglecting this thing... again. :P
We've lost seven of our brothers in the last month. It's extremely sad, but there's nothing we can do. Something, though, has got to give. This can't keep happening.
I've been going to the gym with SFC Sanderson, who is by far one of the most amazing NCOs I've ever met. You can't help but trust her, and she takes extremely good care of her soldiers, if they're willing to work. And I am. I'm busting my ass for her.
SFC Sanderson couldn't be more unlike SFC Matlock if she tried, which makes me extremely happy. SFC Sanderson actually took the time to earn my trust, to help teach me Class I, to talk to me and learn where I come from... even simple things like driving stick shift. She's awesome. Absolutely awesome. She's extremely protective. I respect and admire her as a person and as a leader... for many more reasons than I can put into words.
And SFC Blosch kicks so much ass it isn't funny. Everytime she sees me, she comes over and hugs me, and calls me "her Edwards" and it makes me smile. :) When we get home, she and her hubby and me and Lucas are gonna have to go out to dinner.
... Lucas...
The most beautiful name in the world, and the man that carries it belongs to me.
I am so proud of him...
Lucas is the singular most amazing person on the face of the planet. I love him more than he knows… and by some miracle, he loves me, too.
I don’t really see how, because we are as different as can be. He’s laid back, reserved, quiet. He’s calm and patient. He doesn’t swear; he doesn’t get angry. Me? I’m high-strung and energetic, always in motion. I swear like a trucker and have almost zero patience. I say what I need to say and anyone who calls me “reserved” gets strange looks from those that know and love me.
Opposites. People wonder why we’re together. People are at a loss to explain how we’ve stayed together for the last 15 months. Sometimes, even I’m at a loss to explain it.
But then… but then he looks at me. In his non-judgmental gaze is unconditional love, kindness beyond measure. There’s a smile on his lips that’s just for me, and a love and trust in his beautiful green eyes that I know is for no one else. The sound of his voice is the most amazing song in the world, his name the most perfect word in the English language. But the most amazing thing about him… is that he loves me just the way I am.
Lucas knows all of my secrets, my fears and dreams. He knows my history, my entire sordid backstory. And he doesn’t care. He accepts it, embraces it, even. He embraces me, all that I am. He doesn’t want me to change, just as I don’t want him to change. He holds my entire heart in the palm of his hands. He is everything to me.
And sometimes, that scares me. I’m not used to being so defenseless. I’m not used to not having at least some measure of control over the way I feel. I’m not used to needing someone the way I need him. It scares me, because it means he can hurt me. And sometimes my instincts start screaming at me to cut ties, to run before he has a chance to hurt me like all the others.
But then he reaches for my hand, kisses my fingers, and I know, without him having to say a word, that he would never hurt me the way the others have. That he truly is different. He’s got such a gentle soul that I don’t think he even has it in him to hurt me, or anyone. Not intentionally. He loves me too much for that.
And it’s not the gifts, or the fancy restaurants, or the other thousand ways that he tries to show me that he loves me that count the most. Instead, it’s the quiet nights at home, when we’re laying in bed watching a movie, and he’s got his arms wrapped around me and I’m snuggled into his side, and he kisses me and tells me that he loves me that matters the most to me. I treasure the moments when I have him all to myself, and the outside world goes away. When my reality becomes every love song in the world. When I know, with a conviction that reaches into my bones, that he was made for me, and I for him.
God gave me this man. I don’t deserve him, but I’m trying. I want to deserve him. He’s amazing and I love him and I can’t imagine spending my life with anyone else. He’s too perfect to let go. And I won’t.
He’s beautiful on the outside because he’s beautiful on the inside. He’s smart and funny and charming, I love the way he laughs and I love listening to him talk. (He can’t sing to save his life, but I can’t dance and he can, so we’re even there.) He’s so special. Words aren’t enough, and never will be, and this is almost a futile effort, I think. But I had to try.
He's mine. And no matter what anyone tries to say to the contrary, I am not going anywhere.
