Count On Me -- Bruno Mars

I have fallen in love with the song "Count On Me" by Bruno Mars recently. It's such a simple song, but it touches my heart and reminds me of my friends every single time I hear it.

If you ever find yourself stuck in the middle of the sea
I'll sail the world to find you
If you ever find yourself lost in the dark and you can't see
I'll be the light to guide you

Find out what we're made of
What we are called to help our friends in need

You can count on me like one, two, three
I'll be there and I know when I need it
I can count on you like four, three, two
And you'll be there 'cause that's what friends
Are supposed to do, oh yeah, ooh, ooh

If you toss and you turn and you just can't fall asleep
I'll sing a song beside you
And if you ever forget how much you really mean to me
Everyday I will remind you

Find out what we're made of
What we are called to help our friends in need

You can count on me like one, two, three
I'll be there and I know when I need it
I can count on you like four, three, two
And you'll be there 'cause that's what friends
Are supposed to do, oh yeah, ooh, ooh, yeah, yeah

You'll always have my shoulder when you cry
I'll never let go, never say goodbye

You can count on me like one, two, three
I'll be there and I know when I need it
I can count on you like four, three, two
And you'll be there 'cause that's what friends
Are supposed to do, oh yeah, ooh, ooh

You can count on me 'cause I can count on you

It's about being a reliable friend. There's no fancy words... It's just an affirmation that when someone needs you, that you'll be there. "cause that's what friends are supposed to do"

Friendship is a beautiful thing. I have some absolutely amazing friends that I love more than life, and that I would do anything for. Absolutely amazing song.

Love you guys. <3

The Nicest Thing...

... That anyone has ever said to me:

"I would be lost without you."

To which I replied with a quote from Farscape...

"Then you'll never be lost."

Someone loves you, even more than you know. They may never say it, they may not show you in any grandiose, overdone way... but they do love you. You mean the world to someone. You brighten someone's day just by being in it. The fact that you're breathing gives someone strength.

I found out the other day. I'm lucky enough that I was able to hear those words. I am blessed enough to know that someone relies on me, as I rely on them.

And if you listen to your heart, listen to what your soul is whispering, it'll tell you the same.

Songs of the Soul...

I was asked to post my favorite song lyrics... and this is not a fair request.

For someone who loves music as much as I do, to answer a question like this would take forever. But here goes... A few of my favorites, and why they're my favorites.

"You're so mean/When you talk/About yourself/You are wrong" -F***ing Perfect, by Pink. --- A dear friend dedicated this song to me, on a day that I was so upset that I couldn't breathe. She told me to listen to it, and that she wanted me to hear those words. According to her, I don't give myself enough credit. I'll get into that later.

"You'll never know, dear/How much I love you/Please don't take my sunshine away" -- The same friend that dedicated F***ing Perfect to me sent me the lyrics to this old children's song in an email today. She's always called me "Sunshine" and she worries about me, as I worry about her. Lately, with what I've had going on, I think she's worried that she's going to lose "Her Sunshine." Little does she know, it's the simple things, like this, that keep "Her Sunshine" around.

"Just the Way You Are" by Bruno Mars -- This may sound like a cop-out, but this is Luke's song for me, and I love every word. He sings it to me all the time, and that's what makes it special.

"Defying Gravity" from Wicked. I dare you to listen to the words and not identify with them, not feel empowered. I've spent far too long not remembering what this song means to me, far too long forgetting that, as said in "28 Days" ... "those are just things you've done, not who you are." So remember... "Everyone deserves a chance to fly"

"Every memory repeats/Every step I take repeats/Every journey always brings me back to you" by Cher and Peter Cetera -- This song describes my feelings for Lucas... even though we're on separate sides of the world, have spent more of our relationship apart than we have together, our memories play in my head constantly. When I retreat into my happy place, it's almost always to someplace Lucas is. He is my love song. Even this break... All it's done is convince me that he's My One... even more than I already was.

"When you say you love me/Do you know how I love you?" ... Josh Groban says it perfectly in this song. When Lucas tells me that he loves me, I don't think he knows how much I love him. This song reminded me of no one... until Lucas.

The entire chorus of "No Love" by Eminem and Li'l Wayne. It reminds me of some people I used to know, oddly.

"Why do I keep running from the truth?/All I ever think about is you" ... David Archuleta describes the beginning of my relationship perfectly. <3

"You Were Loved" by Whitney Houston ... because it's not just about romantic love... it's about unconditional love. Period. It's about your life, and how someone in your life loves you more than you even realize. It's about looking back on your life and realizing that you did alright because someone loved you.... you meant something to someone. Someone cared that you were alive, that someone trusted you with their life. It really speaks the truth, because you can have everything in the world, all the riches humanly possibly, but in the end, the most priceless gift is the knowledge that someone loved you. It's really about knowing that you're not alone, that you don't have to walk this world alone... and all because there was unconditional love in your life. Just one person can be a balm on the wounds that life inflicts... a shield against the pain. Too many people forget that too often.

"If Today Was Your Last Day" by Nickleback ... If you knew the moment your life would end, what would you do? If you knew that you were going to die tomorrow, that today was your very last day on earth, how would you spend it? Would you fight for love? Would you forgive your enemies? Would you let your past go? Would you call old friends? What would you do? It makes you think. It's a beautiful song. Treat everyday like you don't get another one. So be kind. Mend a broken heart. Cry. Spend time with those you love. Tell the ones that mean something to you that they do. Love without reason.

... I just need to turn this into a music blog. Or something. X_x There'll be more posts in this vein soon, I think. I have a lot to say.

I love music... and I love the people in my life. <3

Afghanistan-looking thing...

So... I've been neglecting this thing... again. :P

I'm in Bagram, Afghanistan right now. I'm working Class I, which is rations and water, so I sit at my squishy desk job all day and do nothing. It's kinda nice, but at the same time, sometimes I feel like a shitbag that I don't break the wire while all of my Trans brothers and sisters are risking their necks on convoys. But as SFC Blosch said, there's a higher reason for everything.

We've lost seven of our brothers in the last month. It's extremely sad, but there's nothing we can do. Something, though, has got to give. This can't keep happening.

I've been going to the gym with SFC Sanderson, who is by far one of the most amazing NCOs I've ever met. You can't help but trust her, and she takes extremely good care of her soldiers, if they're willing to work. And I am. I'm busting my ass for her.

SFC Sanderson couldn't be more unlike SFC Matlock if she tried, which makes me extremely happy. SFC Sanderson actually took the time to earn my trust, to help teach me Class I, to talk to me and learn where I come from... even simple things like driving stick shift. She's awesome. Absolutely awesome. She's extremely protective. I respect and admire her as a person and as a leader... for many more reasons than I can put into words.

And SFC Blosch kicks so much ass it isn't funny. Everytime she sees me, she comes over and hugs me, and calls me "her Edwards" and it makes me smile. :) When we get home, she and her hubby and me and Lucas are gonna have to go out to dinner.

... Lucas...

The most beautiful name in the world, and the man that carries it belongs to me.

I am so proud of him...

Lucas is the singular most amazing person on the face of the planet. I love him more than he knows… and by some miracle, he loves me, too.

I don’t really see how, because we are as different as can be. He’s laid back, reserved, quiet. He’s calm and patient. He doesn’t swear; he doesn’t get angry. Me? I’m high-strung and energetic, always in motion. I swear like a trucker and have almost zero patience. I say what I need to say and anyone who calls me “reserved” gets strange looks from those that know and love me.

Opposites. People wonder why we’re together. People are at a loss to explain how we’ve stayed together for the last 15 months. Sometimes, even I’m at a loss to explain it.

But then… but then he looks at me. In his non-judgmental gaze is unconditional love, kindness beyond measure. There’s a smile on his lips that’s just for me, and a love and trust in his beautiful green eyes that I know is for no one else. The sound of his voice is the most amazing song in the world, his name the most perfect word in the English language. But the most amazing thing about him… is that he loves me just the way I am.

Lucas knows all of my secrets, my fears and dreams. He knows my history, my entire sordid backstory. And he doesn’t care. He accepts it, embraces it, even. He embraces me, all that I am. He doesn’t want me to change, just as I don’t want him to change. He holds my entire heart in the palm of his hands. He is everything to me.

And sometimes, that scares me. I’m not used to being so defenseless. I’m not used to not having at least some measure of control over the way I feel. I’m not used to needing someone the way I need him. It scares me, because it means he can hurt me. And sometimes my instincts start screaming at me to cut ties, to run before he has a chance to hurt me like all the others.

But then he reaches for my hand, kisses my fingers, and I know, without him having to say a word, that he would never hurt me the way the others have. That he truly is different. He’s got such a gentle soul that I don’t think he even has it in him to hurt me, or anyone. Not intentionally. He loves me too much for that.

And it’s not the gifts, or the fancy restaurants, or the other thousand ways that he tries to show me that he loves me that count the most. Instead, it’s the quiet nights at home, when we’re laying in bed watching a movie, and he’s got his arms wrapped around me and I’m snuggled into his side, and he kisses me and tells me that he loves me that matters the most to me. I treasure the moments when I have him all to myself, and the outside world goes away. When my reality becomes every love song in the world. When I know, with a conviction that reaches into my bones, that he was made for me, and I for him.

God gave me this man. I don’t deserve him, but I’m trying. I want to deserve him. He’s amazing and I love him and I can’t imagine spending my life with anyone else. He’s too perfect to let go. And I won’t.

He’s beautiful on the outside because he’s beautiful on the inside. He’s smart and funny and charming, I love the way he laughs and I love listening to him talk. (He can’t sing to save his life, but I can’t dance and he can, so we’re even there.) He’s so special. Words aren’t enough, and never will be, and this is almost a futile effort, I think. But I had to try.

He's mine. And no matter what anyone tries to say to the contrary, I am not going anywhere.

Blargle. No, really.

Spent the last few weeks gone for training. We have established that I have an affinity with weapon systems, lol. Something about qualifying Expert on the 50 Cal just adds a little more satisfaction to one's life... haha. :P

I had a good visit with my aunt today, and so that kinda helped me feel better toward the way things are between me and her.

Got in a frickin wreck the other day. Suffice it to say that there was a big truck right on my ass, a Blazer in front of me... my poor car was doomed. Enough of my hood got under the blazer that it broke the latch and now I can't get my hood up. Luckily for me, my car was the right size that I wasn't hurt, and the guy in the blazer said it was already beat up enough that he didn't care. The cop that responded had to be the laziest cop ever... I'm fairly certain we interrupted his donut break. But whatever, lol. The truck behind us got the hell away, prick. My car is my protective bubble. Definitely.

Uh... we're going bowling tonight. This oughta be fun. The last time we went bowling, I got drunk and goosed everyone. X_x I'm an affectionate drunk, at least, and not an angry one. :P

My liver's had quite the workout here in the last couple of days, but I promised it a vacation once we go back to work. The lack of alcohol may or may not make me go "eh!" roflmao. :P

Dolly's been good enough to let me stay with her since we've been on pass. She's so tolerant, I don't know how she manages it, haha... I can be quite the handful when I wanna be. XD

-insert guitar solo here-

Can't think of anything else to write about, really... so I'm gonna go.

Laterz!

Of Dragons and Thunderbirds

Got a tattoo yesterday. It's a dragon holding my unit patch. He's big and bright and colorful, and will reside on my right calf for the rest of my life. :D

Matt Gibson is the artist that did him, and I'm extremely happy with it. It was a wonderful experience, I had an awesome time getting inked, and Matt definitely made me happy with the entire affair.

I got up fairly early so I could shower, shave, and go get something to eat before my appointment at 11:00 am, at 15th St. Tattoo Gallery in Edmond. I was excited and nervous at the same time, and really couldn't wait to get there to see what Matt had come up with.

You see, I had gone in there five days earlier, after doing some homework on different shops, and when I walked into 15th St Tattoo, I knew it was going to be where my tattoo was born. I gave Chris (one of the other guys in the shop) a rough idea of what I wanted, as well as a general price bracket. He set up the appointment with Matt, who called me later to make sure about the Thunderbird portion of it. After looking at Matt's portfolio more extensively online, I knew that Matt could handle it. :)

I got to the shop about half an hour early, and hung out in my car until Matt got there. When I walked in, he greeted me like we were the best of friends, and he showed me his drawing. The cool part about it, is that I had a rough idea as to how I wanted the dragon, but I wasn't entirely sure. When I saw Matt's drawing, I felt immediately as if he'd gotten inside my head and found what I wanted. Any nerves I had vanished, leaving pure excitement for me.

Matt ate his lunch real quick, and we discussed coloration while he ate. I had considered getting it in black and grey, but my personality and the dragon deserved color, so I went with that. I told Matt that my favorite color is blue, and he went right for my favorite shade without me having to tell him. (Matt is the shit.)

He turned the drawing into a stencil and we went back into his room (which is covered in Star Wars stuff, I felt so at home, rofl!). He set up, applied the stencil, and let me check it out in the mirror. After giving it my seal of approval, I stretched out on the table and Matt got to work.

Lucas showed up shortly after Matt got started, and he was there for the outline, and Maggie showed up around11:45, so I had company. :P At one point, while Matt was working the outline, Lucas was taking a video, and it got quiet for a second, and Matt popped off with "BIG OLE DRAGON, RAWR!" and I cracked up laughing.

It didn't really hurt. The first thirty seconds, it felt like he was poking a sunburn with a needle, but after that, it just felt like my leg was vibrating. Whenever he would get close to my knee, it would feel hot, but not painful... almost like someone had a space heater on my skin.

Matt was awesome. We talked and joked and laughed, and asked each other questions. We stopped twice. Once for a potty break, and the other time so me, Mags, and Lucas could scarf some tacos, and Matt could stretch. Me and Matt talked about music, and he told me about some tattoos he's done. He laughed when Maggie commented that she was surprised that I'd stayed still for as long as I had, and asked me if normally I felt froggy. He made it an amazing experience.

Lucas had to leave for work around 1:30, but Maggie got to stay, so I had company. I took pictures throughout the process, so I got it documented. :D

When Matt got done, he gave me instructions (in addition to the questions he'd already answered) as to how to care for my new lifemate, and wrapped it up and gave me a hug. He said he even had fun, which was great.

Total, it took three hours. The tattoo is massive, and it's beautiful, and I'm so proud of it that I could sing. I'm so happy with this choice, and I'm so glad that I got Matt as my artist. He really got inside my head, and we clicked really well.

I'm taking Maggie back next Friday so Matt can work his magic on a screwed-up one of hers. He didn't fuck it up, but he's gonna fix it. I've been singing Matt's praises since I got it. My uncle, cousin, dad, and my friends think he's awesome, my aunt likes the artwork, and Mom and the rest of my family are getting used to the idea, lol.

So I have my dragon now. He's been a long time coming, but he's definitely not my last tattoo. There shall be more! :D

Am I even appreciated, or even seen? Or am really as invisible as I feel?

I don't know sometimes.

I want to be remembered as the friend that would give you the shirt off of her back and the shoes off of her feet in a blizzard if you were barefoot and shirtless. That's my goal. I just wanna be a good friend.

... I take my life into my own hands, before anyone else has a chance to take it into theirs.

I put in major overtime this week. I'm beat.

I deploy next month. My feelings on that particular topic are many, and I can't quite organize them well enough to get a post out about it yet. One day, soon, hopefully.

I know you're not reading, but sometimes I wonder... I miss you. I wish you the best, in all your endeavors. I pray that you're filled with the love of God, that you receive all the blessings life and God can bestow, and that your happiness is lasting.

"I spoke to you in cautious tones/You answered me with no pretense/But still I fear I've said too much/My silence is my self-defense" -Billy Joel

MADE IT!

I survived a week of straight walmart work. I'm so proud of myself, especially considering that most of the days I've had off from walmart in the last few weeks have been filled with National Guard pre-deployment goodness and fun. Or something like that.

It was an absolute madhouse today. Typically, there are three occasions we get slammed under: Sundays, first of the month/paydays, and when there's bad weather on the way. Today, we had the (mis)fortune of experiencing all three at once. Be proud of me, for no one died by my hand, this day. haha!

Been listening to Avenged Sevenfold a lot as of late. I'm sure Lucas finds it a welcome reprieve from my Eminem kick, but at the moment I'm identifying with A7X. There's certain lines in all my favorite songs that I'm fixated on. It almost feels like they got into my head and wrote what I was thinking. I love it when music speaks like that. :) In particular, "Fiction" has been talking at me, especially the line that goes like this:

"So tell everybody/The ones who walk beside me/I know you'll find your own way/When I'm not with you"

The song itself feels like a suicide note, or at the very least a letter to loved ones from someone who is going away for a very long time. That line, though, made me cry. It reminds me of how I feel about my friends and family when I consider my upcoming prolonged absence.

They'll be fine without me, no matter the outcome of this deployment. And honestly, that makes me smile. I love that I have such strong, amazing people in my life, and that I get the opportunity to do something like this for them, to give back to them for all they've done for me.

Because I am doing it for them. Every soldier fights, on a larger scale, for their country, yes. However, we keep photographs and memories of loved ones in our hearts, and they become our personal causes. I have mine, have had them since the day I enlisted. I carried them through Basic and AIT. I've had them with me through training, and I'll take them with me to Afghanistan and beyond. Nothing makes me feel so honored as to know that I wear that uniform for them.

I have some amazing people in my life. I say that often, because it's true. I'd never trade a one of them for anything. EVER.

Back to A7X... I frickin love this band. And because I love them, I shall now spam you with a video before I log out. :)

This is the title track from their newest album "Nightmare." Win.

Enjoy, and goodnight!

It's definitely been awhile...

Not that there was ever anything too interesting here to begin with, but whatever, right?

In any case, quite a bit has changed in my life. Oklahoma has been very good to me. I've got an amazing man, amazing friends... I feel like I have the entire world going for me right now.

And yet... There's always an "and yet" isn't there? But you know what? Who cares? I definitely don't. Everyone has their dark and twisty moments, and I am absolutely no exception.

As for a mission statement, I figure I can use this as a way to keep people who aren't on LJ updated on my various activities (and emotions regarding said activites), whether deployed or stateside, and they don't have to be a member to see this, so it's ideal for posting. I plan to use this pretty extensively once we deploy in March. Granted, plans have a way of falling through, but I'm certainly going to try to keep this one active.

Random babbling, I do it. So be prepared. I've got a terrible habit of getting going on one topic from something completely unrelated, and it's because my brain goes from first to fifth without tapping the clutch. (That's how my mom described it, anyway.) :P However, I usually do get back on topic... eventually.

So there ya go. First new post in a blog that I'd all but forgotten about. :)

Welcome, and enjoy!